Velvet Revolver - Fall To Pieces


It's been a long year
Since you've been gone
I've been alone here
I've grown old
I fall to pieces, I'm falling
Fell to pieces and I'm still falling

Every time I'm falling down
All alone I fall to pieces

I keep a journal of memories
I'm feeling lonely, I can't breathe
I fall to pieces, I'm falling
Fell to pieces and I'm still falling

Every time I'm falling down
All alone I fall to pieces

All the years I've tried
With more to go
Will the memories die
I'm waiting
Will I find you
Can I find you
We're falling down
I'm falling

Every time I'm falling down
All alone I fall to pieces

Chapter 3: The Root Of A Stoked Hooligan.

When the family is still whole, i used to be a timid one, with low self esteem, i think that's caused of my dad, he never treated me equal, not even to this day, the thinking that he's always a step higher, thats one thing i didnt quite like about him. the fact i respect about him though is he never once hunched back, and how i wish to tell him "c'mon lets just swallow your pride and ego, your time has come to a past, and im the future".

now that im older, i began to realize a few issues that ate up at my parents relationship. dad was one with a perpetual ego following him wherever he goes, hes always the dominant one in the family. he used to have a set of expensive hi fi at home, i heard it was worth more than a hundred grands, my mom sold it for a mere five grands when he was out working in langkawi. obviously my mom wont need to do that if situation turns out better. my dad hes seldom home, so theres one time when my mom wanted the cash to pay the upfront for her ride. thats one thing of her, to this day she never had her own stand, she gets drifted away by peoples real easily.

everything seems to have changed the day my parents got separated. slowly, but not on instant i was transformed by the change. i did not call it drastic, maybe im too young even to feel the blue. but since then constant transition had become a norm. inside i was still a good kid, but outside i became a little bit of a problem child. i started to neglect homeworks, mixing into the older kids gang, and portrayed a hooligan in school.

soon that my dad left, my mom and i moved to a small flat lot located beside a pub and she worked as a cashier at night at that place, and morning shes a receptionist somewhere else. and grandpa has to be accommodated somewhere else. so he went over to uncle's.

because of work, mom was usually not home. mom had this old uncle to fetch me to school everyday, but in school i probably became an outcast among my peers. i became one of the few kids in schools who didnt pass up their homeworks, and few of them are still friends with me to this day, i suppose their situations at that time are almost as worst, however what happened at a young age had caused them to grow up and do great things in life although they might not be the usual scholars in school, a few of them went up to become dope fiends though. theres one time when the teacher was so in rage, and she made us a card board to hang on our chest, whats on it were that few big words "im lazy, im hopeless". we didnt feel shameful at all, we're just outcasts living our own fantasies.

i was ten by then. and there were a few older kids staying down the apartment blocks, most of them were over fifteen, or at their high school age. at day time my home was a place rented to someone to operate a mah jong club, where peoples would come and gamble and stuffs like that, i was not into that kinda scene so i went straight into my room the moment i reach home. and at night my house was very much of my own partying scene. by then i had a play station at home, which most other kids dont have, rendering my house a beehive, everyone would come at night the time when mom went to work. and thats when i first started getting interested in the epitome of opposite sex's body, we would put on my dad's porn and there were a couple of them who chain smoked all the way through, and a couple guys will bring in their game cds and lay a hand on the by-then-was-still-glorious video game console.

one of the nights a few of them called on the pizza delivery and had us delivered a two huge pans. they were so a bully and said that because i was the youngest and did not pay, and once i had a taste on it, they forced me into owing them ten bucks. and the next time one of them lost in a gamble and forced me to pay up the debt, one of the older uncles in my house got so furious that he almost thrown that guy outta the corridor. and i didnt found out until much later that all the money i got during chinese new year was gone. they probably took it, and on the spot ordered the pizza, great. this was the major one which happened which caused a drastic change in me, years later that i'll be a bully myself in high school. and as the title said, the stoked hooligan. there were few more minor ones like that which happened that i couldn't remember of.

during school holidays, i'd usually go over to my dad's place in langkawi, and because my dad was really a good cook, he'll do me all sorts of dishes, the most memorable one being two really big lobsters, trust me, if you have that in kuala lumpur, that two plate's gonna cost over one grand. my dad worked as a senior electronic engineer there for a cement factory, which would later be purchased under the la farge cement conglomerate. every night when my dad's off work i'd follow him to the same night club, my dad loves tiger beer, and thats when i got my first gulp, since then my life has never been off with booze. and the band played alot of santana there, one of his friends said "god made this earth beautiful because of woman", i was ten years old, and i was f*cking drunk.

out of self protection i acted drastically and started cursing alot. like what says the song "welcome to the jungle it gets worse here everyday, ya learn to live like an animal in the jungle where we play ". animals and me they share a viewpoint that most peoples tend to forget: at the end of the day life is all about survival.

Even the best players don't always win.

5 games in a row, i lost all of them. bad players, bad line ups. who to blame? its just how things happen. im good at it, but then what? people tell you, so? so i kept quiet and accept my defeat.


The hardest part, this troubled heart has never yet been through now,
To heal the scars that got their start inside someone like you now,
But had I known or I'd been shown back when I longed you'd take me,
To break the charge that brought me home...
that, all but would erase me.

recently ive brought up a pretty good topic with a friend talking about what sow the seeds of demise in a relationship, i recently went through it myself and all i have to say is there is multiple factors, truth? theres more than one. ive came to learn and see that, theres multiple truth occurring at a time. no one is right, yet no one could be more responsible for the downfall than the relationship itself.

1. distance. you know you choose to go over to aussie for your studies, its something you need to do, its not your fault but its just how things happen. you tell me to have faith and love is everything that counts, but its not, youve failed to see that between black and white theres a vast area of grey in between.

2. ive not taken initiative to repair the broken relationship, ask why, i never know.

3. im no more the me you know, so are you. weve both changed. not in sync anymore, i dont feel aligned.

i wouldnt blame you, i hope so do you. because ive came to learn that what i see is not exactly what you see. we have different paradigms. again my own set of doctrine doesnt work for you. however ive learn that no one would be there for you more when you needed someone, than your parents.

If I were you, I'd manage to abhor the invitation
Of promised love that can't keep up with your adoration
Just use your head, and in the end you'll find your inspiration
To choose your steps and won't regret this kind of aggravation

Whats on.

okay, i have a couple minutes short.

again the casino in a way let me know that they're unbeatable because of the math.

the wall socket both in and outside of my room caught a spark one of the nights and woke me up, terrified. a couple of extension cords burned, together with the phone charger. so i can no longer play guitar in my room, i shifted the amp and axe out to the living room and now the whole place look a f*cking studio with the dim yellow lighting, as said by someone "it looks like a place where junkies do music". ironically the living room is the place where my mom used to watch dvds. now its conquered by CDs, books, cigarettes. it looks a mess, actually ill say it looks raw instead, i dont like things in nice orders.

usually ill play led zeppelin all day through night, and im falling with a couple of their songs. the current one being "Achilles Last Stand".

i charged through a book in one day, being Tommy Lee - Tommyland, he's rather known as the ex husband of Pamela Anderson than being the drummer in Motley Crue. and im currently reading Stephen Davis - Hammer Of the Gods, The Led Zeppelin Saga.

Picture convey a thousand words.


basically that's what happened for the past weeks, give it all you can to describe of life, stoned, monotonous, dull, tedious, ad nauseam, stranded. it's the same book ive been reading, this time the third. picked up another few guitar riffs and solos off guns n roses records. im also getting way too good at dota, and thats a sign showing that ive been playing a lil too much. i want to be lively again for goodness sake.

In an attempt to play like Slash.

the song is guns n roses's knockin on heaven's door. mind my lousy time beat, climax is at near end of the song.

Samuel Law.

Chapter 2: Childhood.

i wan born on 19 february 1988, in a relatively small town named ipoh, where the academy award winning actress michelle yeoh was born some 25 years earlier. i didnt have much memories about my childhood, the earliest one being me in dad's car asking him what year is it, in a harsh tone he said "1993". the family was considered to be above average by then, dad owns four cars, a huge orchid garden, a large kennel, house fronted with a long driveway. dad was one hell of a character, hes the dominant one in the family, mum being the passive. until this day id still admit its more stressful being with him than anybody else in the world.

my dad was somewhere forty five to fifty when i was born, mum 38. my memory is hazy on the events that led to the forming of the family, of how they met each other, came together, got married, stuffs like that. each of them told me different stories, that makes a piece of puzzle in the head forever not being brought together. from what i heard, some ten years after my dads divorce with his previous wife he met my mum and they fell in love.

i have a step brother, somewhat twenty years older, he used to be staying with us, but eventually he went to aussie to attend university. hes working for an electronic company now, ive never contacted him since long.

much of my childhood was spent with grandpa, the one who loved me the most besides my mum, he loves trebor mint, and used to break the candy into a five piece and to be consumed in five different times, thats how thrifty he is, and hes forever with his same issue of old old old old old old old and brownish newspaper, the one who keeps all the toy back into the storeroom, being me the impetuous and irresponsible kid in the house. theres one time we had a fight and i landed a kick onto his private part, sat down there screaming in pain he forewarned about moving back to his old house in batu gajah, i begged for his forgiveness and be good for the next few days. he stayed. for a kid like me who stayed perpetually in motion, i hurt myself quite alot of times back then, i fell to the drain and left a scar slightly up my my right eye when i was two. and theres one time where i fell down and hurt both my ankles badly, he carried the bloodied me back, one and a half miles away from home. eventually he passed when he was 98. i was never there. and im always proud of him, whole of his life he never needed a wheelchair. never needed anyone to feed him, never needed anyone to read for him. rest in peace grandpa.

i was not as sanguine and confident as most peoples know today, back then i was a timid little kid, i remember that time when my mum help me wore on my school uniform, "you're growing up boy, you're starting to wear white shirt with blue pants. and you're gonna learn to take school bus to school". i was too pampered back then, two days in a week id get twenty cents pocket money to buy snacks i like, and i brought my own food to school. i thought i was living a bad life, i stereotyped myself before all others did.

back then there was life back in the school bus, kids they used to group up one gang after another. and i didnt have much friends, they'll criticize me for being bald, i guess i was too pampered that i just got ignored by the majority of the kids in the bus, they started swearing at that early age, and i didnt have a clue. i was just a tiny little kid back then.

life in school was even worse that time, because normally im not the smartest one in the class, i didnt build up a habit to just do revision back at home, ill just finish my homework and stuff everything inside my schoolbag and wait for my mum to have a check on it, and done, back to my lego. of all these cause my results were not outstanding among my peers, although im in the first class. id even had a kid called me "stupid boy" that time, and i swear ill remember that for life. the class monitor that time, a guy we call "lip" hes usually the apple in the eye to the teacher. he ranks among the smartest guy around. i did not know him well back then, but many years later after we left that school, we met outside and he became my dota teammate.

for unknown reason my class teacher just like to pick on me, she'll criticize me for having a bad hand writing, which that my dad hated her alot for, "how dare she said my son's hand writing's bad" a wee bit about my dad; when he was out alone studying in germany, my grandad couldnt support him, so he did it all by himself, he writes wedding invitation cards for couples, back then those cards were not printed, and thats how nice his writing was, and still is today.

back then during my primary days, i got selected as my school's "number one head". outsiders they always have a chant for us, our school being famous for its bald students. i didnt like it very much, but that was my mum's decision, i was bald until i reached twelve.

when schools off, i used to mix with my cousin, theres when i first got to know about all the interesting stuff the world has to offer by that time, he's much older, and on a normal day ill sail on with his bicycle gang and wander around the whole residential area, we were the bikers gang, we felt like we actually ruled the turf. we'd have all sorts of plaything, and im sure i was the last generation of kids which play with kites, masak-masak which we cooked dried leaves and grass, top spinning, hide and seek, etc. back then we just didnt have computers, not even playstation. the best that technology has offered that time was the nintendo console.

somewhere during lower primary, dad and mum started quarreling quite alot. at night when they quarrel my dad would drive away to somewhere and leave her to tears. thats something ive seen but didnt quite understand, and i usually side on my mum. and eventually my dad got a promotion and he got transferred to langkawi, and he never comes back, the only time he did was coming back and asked for a divorce.

(To be continued...)

Samuel Law.

All Things Considered.

the moments i decided to write a memoir of myself i actually started mulling over all the past experiences, as detailed as it could be, of sure my life didnt end here, it rather serve a milestone of where i came in and what ive become over the years. i hope it serve as a reference too of what i would become later.

i looked out to the balcony for one final time and realized actually how much i loved the scenic view that captures the eye, each time being out there you have something like a "ground-at-your-feet" feel at a perfect height at 16th floor, the only thing which gave an equal match to that kind of above all ego was the mountain facing you, it's huge, and everytime you look out, everything else just seems too small to be brought into the league, you see a vast green on day time, illuminating yellow twinkles at night, and the best hour was when twilight sets in. im not usually one who writes about whats with my balcony, however its just a place operated whenever the lung hungers, but you know the feeling when you leave, it just sucked. ive move quite alot of times in my life, i just hated the feel, i hate to leave a place where i feel comfortable with, a place where i seek refuge, and i hated it when i have to pack my stuffs and realized i couldn't bring along everything with me each time i shift, even the trash seems memorable, like a used pen, atleast they wrote my lecture notes when i was still in college.

im that type of person, like recently i just sold my three year old plus desktop to a friend of mine, it was a wise move since he offered a decent price, but like i said even a used pen help wrote my lecture notes. i still feel a sting to the heart, it was one of mama's most expensive gift and delivered during her 55th b'day, yea she bought me a gift during her b'day. it's not long before the comp became my most treasured asset at that time, i stored inside all the pictures taken throughout the years, plus a 3k plus songs in the playlist which I named it "the hall of fame", and ill change the wallpaper atleast once in a week. i loved it so much, i started playing dota at home, online games made easier and i didnt need to stay in the cafe for long hours anymore, theres even once i got so addicted to online gaming and i actually stayed in the cafe for more than 24 hours.

i love to play dota, throughout the years ive came to know that whatever emotional expressions you have in the game shouldnt be brought into real life. ive got into fights, quarrels(we'll come back to that just abit later), just because of the game. i still do, but im matured enough now to keep everything in the game, i put all my emotions into the game when i play, i yell, i swear, and thats the only time you see the wild me besides when i was drunk. its been nearly four years since then.

rock n' roll is a part of life, im always being superficial when asked something like "heard of rihanna's new song yet?" or "did you know david cook won ai?" i didnt even know who rihanna was, and i didnt know david cook either before the headlines came out on almost every major press announcing the new ai winner, but so far if i ever come across him on the street, ill never recognize him. my world is all about rock n roll, what the general public defined as "loud music". im a dedicated lifetime fan of guns n' roses, i loved their works in the 80's. power ballads performed by the rock n roll bands are my version of love songs, in fact, they are really filled with emotions. one of the greatest factor which lead me to like rock n roll was, their music is always genuine, the majority of peoples like pop, and thats what makes alot of scum bags going into the industry just for the buck. rock bands do music because of music. my ear foods are guns n' roses, led zeppelin, pink floyd, iron maiden, and for softer ones i prefer lost prophets, matchbox 20. dislike linkin park. i just didnt have a taste of their music, they call themselves a fusion, pioneering the rapcore culture, but id say theyre more a rehash to the originals instead.

i like to write, but oftentimes i just feel a lack of muse, i could type at a breakneck speed when chemistry between the brain cells are in place, when theyre not, i can stare blankly at the screen and nothing would come out, ive come to learn that my prime time was somewhere in between midnight and the wee hours. And believe me i actually type this whole damn thing in 20 minutes, never bother to check for type or grammatical errors again, ill just let it be, and come back to it much later in hoping to see an improvement in self.

the me everyone came to know was not the me earlier, contrary to the present, i wasnt one who reads, let alone speak english, i grew up in a rather pro chinese background and i just started to pick things up much later. i remember i couldnt even make right my grammar the firstime i use icq, i typed with my two index fingers, they hovered for quite a few seconds to find an alphabet. and a few years earlier alot of peoples who didnt know me better asked how many As i got in spm, i didnt answer, but i can tell you all here that i flunked six out of nine subjects during the trials, the three passes were the three language subjects, being english, bm and chinese. however those who know me better they didnt even ask, they need not to.

things dont always come the easy way, life sometimes have to take you through the hard road, but ive came to learn that we are responsible for our emotional reactions toward matters, we can actually choose to be happy or angry, its of countless falls that encapsulated this hardwon skill, i actually dont have alot of wits, but im willing to learn in accordance to subjects i favour. im not one who easily gives up, i often tell peoples that if the sky were to fall ill be the last one standing, its not of my ego, its of self confidence i said this, and i didnt bornt with alot of self confidence either, i was actually a timid one when i was a kid, life goes on once and again to humble me when my ego seems to be overboard. and there are times when death was so close(we'll come abck to that later) and it actually makes me realized how much life worths, and im glad that everyday i wake up i still have the guts to take on the high road.

(To be continued...)